Though Sega seems to be doing a great job running the Sonic franchise into the ground all on their own, we give them a handy list of things as a reference for their upcoming Sonic 4 game.

1. Add Spikes Everywhere

Getting hit by hidden spikes is so much fun!

The one thing people enjoy about Sonic games is the frantic speed. So, in case people are having too much, adding hidden spikes in the ground or right after a loop-de-loop is the best way to create an instant buzz kill.

2. Add Obscure Crappy Animals

This is Sega’s idea of character inspiration.

Ever heard of an echidna. Us either. Ever since the success of Tails in Sonic The Hedgehog 2, Sega must have convinced itself the reason for the success was shitty obscure animals. So Sega, in the upcoming Sonic 4, take it easy on the furries huh?

3. Give Sonic Weapons

So cool!!!

If you make Sonic dark and have him wield guns the game is instantly hot. Works for instant-coffee right? Perhaps they can also give Sonic a thumbscrew or lead sprinkler as a weapon, that’d be swell.

4. Add a Crappy Camera

Maybe if gamers don’t see where they are going, they won’t realize how bad the game is. We love jumping in a platform game not really knowing where we’d land.

5. Add Terrible Voice Acting

Sega leave bad voice acting to SquareEnix.

BONUS: Add Dr Robotnick

Are you fucking kidding me?

You couldn’t come up with a worse video game character even if you tried. Dr Robotnick belongs in this list of Guys with Extreme Mustache, but even he is too sucky to qualify.